I cant' think of a title

I'm not really sure how to start this, so i'll go from thursday
Thursday was my grandfather's funeral. We went to new york for the wake and the burial site. If i had to list my top three emotions it would probably be confused, sad, scared, in that order. I'll be honest, the only grandfather i know is the guy i met three times a year, on his birthday, on christmas sometimes, and new years. When i was really young he was a really nice guy, but then as he got older, he really got old. His hearing started to get worse, and his mind really just lost it. Many times he couldnt hear himself so he would scream and the majority of his talks were lectures to me and my cousins. It was the same thing every year and every year it just got worse. We knew he had cancer and he didnt really much time but no one knew it was going to be right at this time. At first, i was just numb cause i didnt know what to do. On the Sunday i found out i just did nothing the whole day. I wasnt sure how to react or how to grief so i just thought the whole day. The more i thought the more scared i got of what answers i would get. I was afraid to ask if he was saved, because i was afraid of the answer being no. I was afraid of what happens to people as they get older; i was afraid of what happens if people like grandmother can forget everything because they have alzheimer's. I was afraid of death. It never felt so real because i never had to deal with this. The closest thing i ever experienced to a death in the family was my grandfather in korea that i never met or seen who died when i was 11. I had no idea what that really meant, only that i had to stay with my cousins. I was afraid to read certain passages in the morning because they might not give me answers to what i needed. I was afraid to listen to christian music on the way there because if i felt more numb and confused and sad, what does that say about me? I was afraid to pray honestly because if he didnt answer me, then what. I wasnt sure either about how to go about my regular day. I know im supposed to live like how he would have wanted me to live, but then how do i show my respect towards my grandfather? I really didnt want to write this post either cuase i just didnt want to think about it. Everytime someone called to say sorry or something, i knew it was because they cared and all, but i really didnt feel any better.
If i had to look back i can only think of maybe a few good things i can remember.
1. Tim and Eddie's mom came out to the funeral. The whole service i just put my head down and stayed quiet. But when i saw them i was just so filled with emotion to know that people cared that much to just support my mom, even when they didnt know my grandfather. That was such a wonderful surprise for me.
2. My mom seems OK.
3. On the way back i just thought w/e just go with it. I put on my headphones and the first song that came up was come and listen by david crowder band. I wanted to listen to more and i did. I listened to so many words that described who and what Jesus is. My heart felt on fire and my mind was just racing. So many thoughts just popped into my head. All the people i didnt talk to, all the prayer meetings i could've talked to God, just everything. I have no idea why the most emotion i felt was in a car ride back listening to music instead of when i was standing right next to my dead grandfather.
4. My grandfather accepted Christ on his deathbed. Now i had a long pause before i wrote this one because i still really unsettled with this statement. I prayed and just longed that i would hear the right words about his faith because its just so strange; i couldnt pray to God to save him or to enter his life anymore. I couldnt pray that at all. So when i acutally had the courage to ask what he did or said exactly hours or minutes before he passed away, or what exactly the pastors were saying during the services, i was relieved and worried at the same time. They said he accepted him loudly and firmly, with conviction but i have encountered so many fake christians and so many things that are just at hte service that sadly i wasnt really sure. It's hard to imagine a person's life being changed after over 80 years of living his own life, and with his last 4-5 years being mentally distraught. But my uncle was beaming that funeral and spoke about a peace that he saw on his dad's face. After all the services, he talked about how God can give such peace to people like him. This one is a tough one to swallow because i cant look to blame anyone but myself. I can make all the excuses i want, which i already have, but really i have no one to point at.
During my normal day i'm fine, but when i open up my bible i get nervous. I'm nervous God wont give me answers and peace immediatly. I wouldnt use the word anxious cause that would sometimes mean im looking foward to something good. Probably apprehensive is a better word.
I know the right and christian thing to say is that God will answer prayers on his own time and if its in His will to wait, he will wait. But i realy really really hope God takes me out of this situation now cause i cant see anything good coming out of me being afraid and confused about the God i'm supposed to put all my trust in.
:/ this was a really long post